Saying Thanks:

We are not even sure how to begin showing our appreciation to all of you, our family and friends. Walking through the past few weeks have been the most difficult experience of our lives. It is by no means over and the love for our child is real and will never be forgotten, but healing is coming. As alone as we felt, we were never left alone. Our Father, family, and friends have been there with us. It seems the lines have blurred between family and friends over the past few months and this experience has sealed that there is little distinction between the two.

We love you all and thank you for your prayers, emails, cards, letters, thoughts, conversations, compassion, and most of all for your love.

Chris & Jane

Losing Our Baby

There really aren't words to describe this experience. These two pictures are the only things I have to catalogue our baby's short life. The first one is the piece of paper the doctor gave me confirming my pregnancy. The second one is the wrist band I wore at the hospital on Tuesday night when they gave me an ultrasound showing where the baby should be but wasn't. I will never forget watching the screen and seeing nothing but black space where my baby should have been.

Family Reunion

Ahh! Huge sigh of relief to finally be back home with my girls and not in a car. Our weekend was spent in the super windy city of Pampa with the whole of the McKean family (well, the immediate family). Carrie and Jacob are back from China temporarily. It is always fun to hang out with my sister-in-laws. I don't know how I got so lucky.
Majaunta tried to fatten me up with biscuits and gravy (my favorite breakfast), and for the first time ever I ate my way through a whole foot long sub at Subway. It was veggie, so perhaps that will seem more tempered.
The weekend was nice and relaxing, Carrie brought me back a scarf that I had lusted after in Beijing...somehow she managed to get the price down to a reasonable rate (I had no luck when I tried in December, but I imagine her Chinese is much better than mine).
The only downside to the trip was the 6 1/2 hour drive it took to get back...we were given a truck in order to bring home our new A/C, heater, and year's worth of pellets for our stove. The poor truck isn't the fastest of vehicles and up the hills it topped 40 mph. I followed Chris the whole way and without him to chat with or even the dogs to keep me company it was a long journey. Now we just have to wait for our handyman (Chris's dad) to come put in all our new equipment. Thank goodness I won't be pregnant and hot in the middle of the summer.

Because

You know that saying, you don't know what you've got until it's gone? I hope that never applies to my relationship with Chris. For as long as I can remember, I've always thought that Chris McKean was pretty special. Even when I was 9 years old and was bossing him around (back then he always did what I said), teasing him for the way he said "pillow," and coaxing him to take me on the motorcycle, he was the guy who made me smile.

It's been a little over 3 years now. We've lived together in sometimes marital bliss and sometimes quite the opposite. But, Chris has never ceased to be the only one I've ever wanted to spend my life with; and really the only one I can imagine spending my life with happily.

Since we've found out that a new addition is on the way, though, the very best parts and traits of my husband have really come out. They are always there, but certain circumstances tend to bring them to the surface. I don't know how I managed to snag this handsome man who will cook 3 different dinners for me since my pregnant tummy is pretty picky right now. He insists on going to the grocery store for a bag of nectarines that I mention in passing sound really good to me. He encourages me to stop cleaning the house like a maniac and take a nap when he is getting up at 5 in the morning to go to work. He decides to focus his free time on getting our house fixed up so we can make his favorite room, the office, into a nursery. There aren't many men like him in the world. He truly is being the servant of all around here. And there aren't many traits more admirable, or dare I say, more sexy than that. I hope our baby resembles his (or her) daddy in the truly selfless way he loves.

Bamboozled

We are the proud owners of a new bamboo floor! After months and months of trying to decide whether to install it ourselves or hire someone to do it, Chris bravely rented the equipment and did it himself. Ahh, it's nice to finally have one more project done. Only several thousand more to go!

Does God Experience Us?

I want to turn the tables for just a moment if you will allow. Since I am the only one that reads these...I grant my wish, and I will proceed.

What is the value of a creation not experienced? Is there any value in it at all? The question, "Does God experience His own creation?" really refers to the "why" of creation, but implications of the answer are far reaching.

So, does God experience His own creation?

God created the universe, saw it, and said it was good. He walked with Adam in the cool of the evening while in the Garden of Eden. He responded to our fallen condition and became human. He suffered for our sins by dying on a cross.

That cross reveals that God is not above or outside of suffering or being affected by and responsive to His creation. In fact, God's greatness is displayed precisely in His willingness to be affected, to be responsive, and to suffer for the sake of love.

There are so many directions to take this, but for now I want to ask another question.

Do we allow the sufferings of others to penetrate our minds and hearts in a manner worthy of such an example as Christ?

If the God who created the universe chose to experience our condition, why do we choose not to experience others?

Everyday I see homeless people and most times I choose to think thoughts like, if they had not made this or that decision, if they would only get a job, or they probably make more money than I do. This shields me from their reality. It makes it easier to place some blame for their condition on them or to see it as a choice they made. It removes my ability to feel what they feel and have compassion for them. No longer are they the casualties of a spiritual war, but they are suicide bombers. People I can't love like Christ loved me.

Lord, having eyes let me see!

Chris

New Words and a Worthy Cause

I was getting my hair cut today (it's about time!) and while reading a magazine I noticed a blurb about this site called freerice.com. Apparently the man who started it was trying to get his young son to study for his SATs so he developed a website that would quiz his vocabulary skills. His website is now sponsored by huge corporations and for every correct vocabulary word you choose, these companies donate 20 grains of rice to starving folks. I love learning new words, so if you are a dork like me, play along for a worthy cause.
An aside: while clicking around on their website, I was connected to poverty.com where they had this disturbing statistic (click here) regarding the amount of money the United States spends to help end world hunger. For such a large, wealthy country we aren't doing nearly as well as some of the smaller, less wealthy nations. That's embarrassing.
Funnily enough, I was just listening to Greg Boyd's sermon "Taking Back the House" this morning for the 2nd time where he points out how stupid it is that a country such as ours spends so much money to fund violence and war but spends so little on housing and feeding the poor. Regardless of any one's view on the war, as Christians we should find it disturbing that more is being spent to end people's lives (regardless of their faith or lack thereof) than is being spent to save them.
Sorry, I didn't intend to preach. Boyd gets me fired up sometimes.